JIM CORNETTE'S GUIDE TO GETTING VOTES FOR BARACK OBAMA
In the 2008 election, the American public has the choice of voting for a brilliant, articulate, inspirational Harvard graduate that wants to save the country from the Bush administration's 8 years of incompetance, malfeasance and deception, OR, a 72 year old mushmouth with a condescinding smirk and confused demeanor who suffers from anger management issues and promises more of the same Bush policies, for President of the United States.
For Vice President, we have the choice of the chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations committee with 35 years experience at the highest levels of government, or a hockey mom who was mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, the crystal-meth lab capitol of the state.
Incredible as it may seem to those of us with the powers of reason and comprehension, this is still a contest. Attempting to identify the groups most likely to vote for John McCain and Sarah Palin over Barack Obama and Joe Biden in the face of all logic and evidence to the contrary, and trying to instill some type of cogent thought process in them, should be of paramount importance to anyone who wants this country out of it's economic recession, a return on the investment in their homes, the restoration of America's lost respect in the eyes of every country in the world, and a leader who will be a public servant instead of a punch line. And while we're at it, let's book a Texas Death Match between Michelle Obama, who is a better speaker and apparently more intelligent than John McCain, and that creepy Stepford wife Cindy McCain.
By the way, even if McCain DOES have the skills or credentials to be President, please remember that not only is he a 72 year old cancer survivor, but that NINE times in the 232 year history of this nation a Vice President has ascended to become the leader of the free world through death or assassination. According to insurance company actuarial tables, if John McCain is elected, there is a ONE in THREE chance of Sarah Palin being President by 2012. Does anyone really relish the thought of the serially pregnant Palin staring down Putin at the conference table, using the wacky tricks she learned from her hockey kids in negotiations, or the raging baby-making Palin with her finger on the button in a crisis with a nuclear Iran that would make the Bay of Pigs look like the latest Girls Gone Wild video?
The continued parading of Palin's family--adorable offspring, athletic, snowmobile riding husband who apparently sits in on his wife's Alaskan cabinet meetings, even the closeups of her developmentally-challenged baby--is a Wag the Dog scenario rewritten for Lifetime Television and being presented to the American public in a for-real campaign for the Republican party to keep the Presidency regardless of merit, political theater at it's most absurd--and dangerous. It is the equivalent of showing cute puppies on television to children.
Every major "fact" told about her by McCain in his introduction of her, and uttered by her in her carefully scripted and tightly controlled public appearances has been proven false, including the Bridge to Nowhere (she kept the money) and the plane sale on Ebay (listed there but sold by a broker at a $600,000 loss). She believes the Iraq war is a "task from God"--she is against abortion, gay rights, evolution, sex education and birth control for teens--she denies global warming--she goes to a church that tries to convert Jews and "cure" homosexuals--and one can only imagine the dire effects a President Palin would have on the Supreme Court, plunging the country into a scientific and social dark age for years to come. We might as well all be Amish.
The McCain campaign wants to win this election at any cost, and she's so eager to hit the White House she doesn't care that her son is about to risk his life in Iraq, it "gets her over" with the pro war crowd. She's willing to ruin her daughter's life, making her marry at 17 to the high school jock that knocked her up with the child she'll be the single mother of when the shotgun wedding falls apart, because a common sense solution is "against God's will" and would kill her with the church goers. Even all Hillary had to "swallow" was Bill getting a Lewinsky from Monica, this woman is willing to ruin her family's lives to get votes.
For an in-depth look at Palin, the fraud, liar, and star of political puppet theatre, see the feature article in the October 2 issue of Rolling Stone. But back to our subject---
Operating on the well-proven theory that you can never underestimate the intelligence of the American public, and that you can fool most of the people all of the time (i.e. the P.T.Barnum corroborator), I have identified the following groups of people that may vote for the McCain/Palin ticket. If you know of anyone who fits into these general categories, please shine a flashlight against the wall to get their attention, and present the facts of this case to help us save this country before it is too late.
REPUBLICANS---Not much we can do here, because anyone close-minded enough to vote for someone based on what club they belong to rather than the individual's credentials and qualifications for the job may be beyond help. I have never voted in any election in my life--never registered as a member of any party--but this election is too important to sit back and watch and hope. As Obama has said, it's not about the red states, or the blue states, it's about the UNITED states.
WOMEN---Granted, Hillary Clinton is a manipulative, power hungry ***** who would do anything to get elected, but once there, she wouldn't have been the WORST President ever, (especially with the bar set so low the past 8 years), just the most obnoxious. But the idea that women are so hell-bent on having a female in the White House that they will vote for a publicity stunt just because she has a vagina should be insulting to every woman in the country with the power of independent thinking. Does Sarah Palin's uncanny ability to be successfully inseminated qualify her to be the most powerful person in the world?
CHURCH GOERS---Despite the founding fathers and framers of the Constitution providing for separation of church and state, and despite the progress we have made in having a black man and a woman on the major parties' tickets, we are unfortunately still a long way from having a Presidential candidate who can publicly proclaim he does not believe in the supernatural without committing political suicide. Nevertheless, there's no problem here, because Obama believes in God too, he's just willing to let everyone else believe in their theories too without shoving one set of beliefs down everyone's throats or letting those beliefs get in the way of governing with common sense and rationality.
NRA MEMBERS/HUNTERS---These people shouldn't worry, they can continue to butcher and slaughter innocent animals in the woods and compensate for their small penises with their large rifles, as Obama has said "There's got to be a way to keep guns in the hands of sportsmen while keeping AK-47's out of the hands of gang members." Imagine that, a thoughtful compromise from a Presidential candidate. Personally, I think the ownership of guns should be limited to law enforcement and for the personal protection of private citizens with no violent criminal records, and the hunting of wild animals should be looked upon by society somewhere in between rapists and child pornographers, but let's fight the big battles first.
PRO-LIFERS---One might excuse McCain for not believing in modern science, he was born before television was invented. But Caribou Barbie also thinks dinosaurs walked the Earth at the same time as human beings. Among the other medical and scientific advances the conservatives either don't understand or don't believe in, Palin is against abortion, even in the case of rape or incest. They believe every unwanted child has the "right to life". They also have the right to be victims of physical, mental and sexual abuse, unwanted, unloved, born into poverty, brought up by single parents or those ill-prepared or incapable of raising them, or to be tossed into a dumpster or off a bridge by desperate mothers with mental issues who feel they have no recourse.
They have the right to grow up as a strain on an already overtaxed welfare and social service system and foster a grudge against society that will place them squarely and firmly in the next generation's prison population and criminal statistics, and then have their own unwanted children that will perpetuate this cycle ad nauseum into the next century and beyond. Why do they have this right? Because "abortion is against God's will." Is God a taxpayer?? Does God have any opinion on the millions of children that are already born and waiting, often fruitlessly, to be adopted into loving families, or is he just interested in the overpopulation of an already-overburdened planet running low on natural resources?
In the 21st century, we have the knowledge, science and wherewithal to overcome many of the social, medical and genetic problems that have plagued the human race for thousands of years, yet the religious conservatives would seemingly consign us to the same fate as those in the dark ages who argued the world was not flat and were burned at the stake as witches. They would cling to manmade beliefs as old as the wheel, but not nearly as useful, all the while exhibiting a smug, condescending grin and attitude very much similar to McCain's (or Jerry Falwell's), that exudes an attitude of "My Bible trumps your scientific proof and logic".
OIL COMPANY EXECUTIVES---Nothing can save these votes, because if I was an oil executive, NO WAY would I vote for Obama, who would cut income taxes for everyone in America making less than $250,000 per year, and eliminate the proposed McCain tax cut of $4 BILLION for Exxon/Mobil alone, while eliminating our dependence on foreign oil in 10 years (much as Kennedy put a man on the moon in less than 10). You can tell McCain is scared about this one, as he takes every opportunity to misrepresent and outright LIE about Obama's plan, inventing fictitious accusations about how it would adversely affect small businesses that people who don't actually understand the plan believe. McCain seems to want the people in the U.S. who make the MOST money to keep as much of it as possible so they can hire the rest of us to cut their grass.
PEOPLE WHO LIKE WAR---I'm all in favor of bombing radical Muslims, because these people are a danger to our entire planet, cave people with automatic weapons that are such religious fanatics they make the creationist crowd look like Albert Einstein. But we are now spending $10 BILLION a month in a war where American soldiers are getting killed and maimed every day to stabilize a country that has an $80 BILLION SURPLUS, a war we were lied and misrepresented into, while letting the guy who really perpetrated 9/11 crank back in the La-Z-Boy in his cave without fear of reprisal. The McCainiacs say "we must WIN the war first!" WIN WHAT?? Obama wants to end the war in Iraq, make them run their own country, go to Afghanistan/Pakistan and capture or kill Bin Laden, and establish leadership there that will prevent these crackpot religious martyrs from flourishing to attack the U.S. in the future. Is it just that this makes so much sense people can't follow it?
LOUISIANA RESIDENTS---Is it possible that one person in the state of Louisiana would still vote for a Republican after Katrina? In what age or era would it have been acceptable to let a major American city drown without immediate aid from the federal government? While President Bush was helping John McCain cut his freakin' birthday cake, New Orleans was destroyed. No one could have stopped it, but they certainly knew it was coming, unless another of the sciences these people don't believe in is meteorology. This example of bad judgment was a comically tasteless "let them eat cake" scenario worthy of Marie Antoinette. If you think Bush's judgment was bad, McCain topped that just by making the decision to install Palin as his running mate, as Mr. "Country First" put winning the election first and the country in grave danger at the same time through the all-time classic political stunt.
PEOPLE WHO DON'T LIKE BLACK PEOPLE---Obviously, a big group for McCain. For Pete's sake, we're not voting for Flavor Flav here. If you don't like black people, you have EVERY REASON to vote for Obama. Maybe if young black men in America had a role model like him to look up to, instead of trashy rappers with gold teeth, ghetto football palayers who hold dogfights and toss cash at strippers, and punks who buy their pants six sizes too big to show us their clown underwear, we'd ALL be better off. Maybe Obama advocating parental responsibility and the need for more black fathers to stand up and parent their children would reduce the welfare rolls and the disproportionate percentage of black men in U.S. prisons. Maybe his economic policies would lift a few more above the poverty level, and his policy for giving every child a college education in exchange for service to their community or their country would give even more an alternative to dribbling a basketball, selling crack or following the example of Michael Vick or Suge Knight.
Obama's speech on race proved that he is perhaps the only politician in America who both CAN and WILL say that many white people don't like black people, and vice versa, that BOTH have some valid reasons to dislike or distrust the other, and only by confronting these issues and doing something to mend the root causes on both sides will the problems ever be solved. And hey, if you're determined not to like black people no matter what, elect a black guy President that is more intelligent, articulate, thoughtful, principled, and successful than you or I will EVER be, and if the rest of black America doesn't step up to try to emulate him, at least you'll know you were right all along.
POW'S---We are CONSTANTLY reminded McCain was a POW, and yes, he does deserve credit and respect for that. To suggest that this qualifies him to be President, or even gives any veracity to his statement that "I know how to win a war", (we LOST in Vietnam), is as specious an argument as the one that maintains Palin is the next-best qualified to run the country because she was Governor for 20 months of a state that has a population less than that of Jefferson County, Kentucky. That Barack Obama "never served his country" is simply that he was fortunate enough to be born in the generation AFTER WW2, Korea, and Viet Nam, where for the first time in over 40 years an 18 year old boy in the United States didn't have to be drafted, shot at or killed in a foreign country to "prove" his patriotism. For all you war fans out there, ask yourselves this question--would Ulysses S. Grant have been able to successfully plan the Invasion of Normandy, just because he had "experience in war?"
PEOPLE WHO WILL NEVER BE SICK A DAY IN THEIR LIVES---All these people will vote for McCain because they will never need health insurance. If you're one of the nearly 50 million people who don't have insurance, vote for Obama. Or if you're among the tens of millions who have it but pay through the nose for it because your job doesn't provide it. Or the millions more who have it but have uncovered pre-existing conditions. Or the millions more who have it through their employers, but will either be dropped or taxed on it through McCain's plan. Or if you are one who will get McCain's "$5,000 tax credit" to buy your own (good luck covering your whole family, mine costs that much just for ME). Or the millions more who have it but will be dropped if they lose their jobs or retire. Obama wants every American to have a health plan as good as the one members of Congress gets, and be able to afford it. McCain wants to give you a tax credit to buy your own, if you can, or tax you on the one you've already got. HMMMM.....decisions, decisions.
Other people who will probably vote for McCain are people who have no money in the stock market, don't have investments, don't own a home, have plenty of cash buried in the back yard to pay for rising living costs, don't need gasoline, and plan to die before America's ruined reputation globally causes either a complete collapse in our economy or gives a rogue nation with a suitcase nuke the idea to go ahead and take us out for good. No need for any of them to vote for Obama, because the changes he will make will not benefit them.
I could go on and on, and already have.
All sarcasm and comedy aside, the United States of America, in this time of crisis, in this election, has a choice to make. Are we to have the wool pulled over our eyes by a man who barely HAS a future, much less a coherent plan for OURS, and a sidekick with "folksy" charm meant to appeal to the lowest common denominator because of their flagwaving and babykissing, or a man who speaks to the American public with logic and reason as if they are on his intellectual level (which sadly most are not) with a clear vision of how to change the country and the world for the better, and his VP choice who has the experience and record to both advise him and, if the need should arise, to govern in his stead? If you just LISTEN, actually LISTEN, to both what they say and how they say it, and do even the most perfunctory fact checking from credible sources and not your uncle Joe who thinks Obama is a Muslim and prays to Allah, the choice is clear. We need a President who can bring all of us together, not one who can't even bring his own political party together. We need a Vice President who can bring wisdom and experience to the table and lead in case of tragedy, not give beauty-contest answers learned by rote to the press and crumble under the weight of suddenly becoming leader of the free world in case of crisis. There is no choice. There is no alternative. If Barack Obama is not the next President, then sadly, and unfortunately, we will have lost the opportunity at the change we so badly need. We will have no one to blame but ourselves. And we will get exactly what we deserve.
Copy it, paste it, send it forward. This needs to get out.